Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
