I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
