her vagine was all disorganized.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
...so i touched it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
