WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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