Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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