M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
