I puked a lego.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
