No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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