I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
