It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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