Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
