Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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