Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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