Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
