I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
