is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
