I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
