I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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