Your dad touched me again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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