My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
