1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
