Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
