the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
