My first STD was from a foam party
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
