my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
