I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
