I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
