Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
