We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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