I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We need a shit load of segways right now
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
