make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
