And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
