The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
