she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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