Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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