remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
