My first STD was from a foam party
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
