yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
