I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Four minutes until I can fart!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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