I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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