Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
