He told me they were just razor bumps!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
