If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
