god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
