I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
