I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
