So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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