Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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