Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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