last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
