If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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