I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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