She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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