ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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