its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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