I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
