I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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