I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
