He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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