we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
