Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
