I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
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I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
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Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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